so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
