So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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