I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
