This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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