Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
