we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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