Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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