Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
