Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
