my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
