I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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