My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
