Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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