I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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