I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My penis needs a shock collar
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
