I want to make a zoo with you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
