dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
