Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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