and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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