if i can run in heels then i can drive
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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