ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
