I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
