Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
