yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
