____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Are my feet made of real feet?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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