Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
