I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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