You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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