If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
