One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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