dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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