oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
