There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
