dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
