Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
