You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
