i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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