I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize