This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
