hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize