I accidentally burped into my bong.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
