I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
