It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
