i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
