Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
