Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
