i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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