May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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