so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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