i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
