my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
