At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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