As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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