I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
