my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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