so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's blow job season.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
