She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
50% drunk capacity currently
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
