I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
