I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
