I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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