you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
